The Bad News

A compendium.
19th April 11

Attention: I’m disabling this account later today. Move to @jrandtroubles if you haven’t already. I promise to continue lunch tweets.

Charles in Charge

13th December 10

    

"My beerdrunk soul is sadder than all the dead Christmas trees of the world." 

Merry Xmas, you whores.

25th November 10

Double Fuck Yes.

William S. Burroughs - the only Beat worth a damn - reminds us that we have plenty to be thankful for. For extra holiday-style fun, memorize this benediction and recite it, head bowed, arms folded, in front of your super-religious right wing family members. Now that’s what I call a conversation starter. 

25th November 10

Get Yer Ya-Ya’s Out.

On this solemn day of giving thanks, I will not spend time conversing with my family or playing football with friends. Rather, I’m going to declare that this holiday - a celebration founded by namby-pamby puritan pukes, who, more than four hundred years later, are preventing me from hitting the liquor store - can graciously kiss my whole asshole. 

So, instead, it’s Black Metal Time. Here’s a clip from Gorgoroth’s “Black Mass Krakow 2004”. Eat a live baby and give thanks for disenfranchised Norwegians.

19th August 10

Double Fuck Yes.

Shark Week may be over until next year, but the Shark remains King, bitches. And this video proves it.

The Seabreacher enables travelers to cruise around large bodies of water, exhibiting the kind of raw fucking power previously reserved for Sharks. Fly beneath the surface at high speeds! Turn on a dime! Pop out of the water next to a pontoon of old ladies and see how many heart attacks happen!

The website says that the design is meant to pay homage to Dolphins, but Dolphins are smug little ass-wipes and Sharks are just awesome pre-historic eating machines - like a John Belushi of the deep. 

For more information, check out www.seabreacher.com!

Charles in Charge

19th August 10

"The worst thing for a writer is to know another writer, and worse than that, to know a number of other writers. Like flies on the same turd."

 - from Women

18th August 10

Sex, Books, and Rock ‘N Roll.

Rachael Bloom of the Upright Citizens Brigade has crafted a wonderfully NSFW song about all the depraved carnal acts she would perform on, of all people, Sci-Fi author Ray Bradbury, pictured below:

I’ve been thinking that I need to start writing work of actual merit for quite a while now, instead of making observations about Human Centipedes and swooning over Klaus Kinski. This video seals the damn deal. If people like Ray Bradbury and Charles Bukowski - people arguably more disgusting and off-putting than even your humble bloggeur - can acquire respectable amounts of ass through the quality of their work, then it is high time that I stop writing articles for my friends to read and start writing novels that will spread the thighs of misguided coeds and comediennes all over the planet. 

I’m just gonna let my fingers do the talking from here on out. 

Double Fuck Yes: The Death of Cathy

18th August 10

                

I somehow feel that everything annoying and aggravating about the Fairer Sex is at least represented in “Cathy” cartoons. Sometimes, I feel like the things that bother me the most about women are actually spawned by “Cathy”. The dual obsessions with chocolate and weight. The dumb humor about dating. The illusion that there is some perfect “Mr. Right” out there, who is an Nobel-prize winning pediatrician with thick hair, washboard abs, and the ability to listen to boring-ass lady stories about their day for hours on end. This is the kind of horse shit that causes latent misogyny. And “Cathy” is the anus from which that horse shit emerges. “Cathy” is like “Sex and The City”, but in newsprint. 

But on October 3rd, “Cathy” will finally die. Hopefully carried off by a hoard of Sandanistas into the jungle, never to be heard from again. I don’t know what will replace “Cathy” - Can they just run old “Calvin and Hobbes” dailies? - but, at any rate, I consider this to be a victory. 

Hammer Time

18th August 10

       

18th August 10

Get Yer Ya-Ya’s Out.

The inimitable Tom Waits - one of my personal heroes - performing “Make It Rain” on the David Letterman Show.  

"Make It Rain" is a part of "Real Gone", an album on which Waits declined to do any tickling of the ivories. I always wondered what Ol’ Tom would do on a stage without a piano in front of him. Turns out he would gesture emphatically and win my heart even more than he already had previously. He moves like Joe Cocker, but he looks less like someone with a developmental disorder. 

Enjoy.